We Were Memories Read online

  In true Ryan fashion, he never called last night. I didn’t figure he would, being so late, but a text this morning would have been nice. I’m fishing my scrubs out of the laundry room when Erin walks in. “Morning, Ley. I come bearing gifts.” Her singsong tone is less than desirable at this early hour. She gives me a quick peck on the cheek and holds up an extra-large coffee cup. She always looks so put together in her jeans and heels. I don’t even know if I own a pair of jeans. My style is more of a cross between cutoff rock band T-shirts and shorts, leggings, and scrubs.

  “You’re a lifesaver.” I barely manage to thank her before I’m downing my drink. I’m surprised to see her so soon but grateful all the same. Today’s going to be a long one. Dealing with Ryan, or the lack of him, has made my mood foul, and I don’t have time for it.

  I don’t have to work, Ryan has made that clear numerous times over. I just like being there and the people I’m surrounded by. They’re like my second family. I only work three shifts a week, unless I’m filling in, like today, and I make enough to cover any extra expenses that Ryan doesn’t pay for. Erin works at a real estate company a few blocks over from the house, so on the rare mornings she has extra time, she supplies my lifeline… caffeine. God love it.

  As I punch in, the time card says 6:50 a.m. I have ten minutes to get caught up on patients from the night shift and run a quick assessment on my rooms. I have four right now, which isn’t too bad. I know I shouldn’t say that because then all hell will break loose. That’s just how it works around here. No two days are the same.

  By ten o’clock I’ve turned over two of my rooms to two new patient arrivals. Still nothing life-threatening, and I have a minute to sit down and type out a quick message to Ryan. The lull doesn’t last long before the morning rush comes in and I’m back on my feet.

  The rest of the day is pretty much the same. I don’t have a spare minute to even grab my phone out of my pocket unless it’s to page down a doctor. When I’ve made my final rounds and reported my patients to the incoming night shift nurse, I can finally breathe a breath of fresh air. Schlotzsky’s and my bed are calling my name for a solo date night.

  When I walk in the house, I’m greeted with the bells of Cloud’s collar running down the stairs. “Hi, pretty girl.” Cloud purrs against my leg and waits for me to pet her. Scooping her up, I take her upstairs and shed my scrubs on the floor. I hate leaving clothes out of the hamper—that’s my thing. I can’t do dirtiness, but tonight, it’s going to have to wait. That’s how exhausted I am. Getting under the blanket in clean, cold sheets sans clothes is the next best thing to heaven. Cloud is happy her mama’s home, curled up at my feet ready for her slumber. I give her some loving with my foot under the blanket and wait for my phone to get enough battery juice to turn on. As soon as the buzzing of texts, voice mails, and missed calls start rolling in, I scroll down my recent calls and dial Ryan.

  “Hey, Ley.” His voice is scratchy, and he sounds tired.

  “Hey, did I wake you?” I ask.

  “Yeah, it’s okay though. I tried you several times but never could seem to get through.”

  “I picked up an extra shift. Lexie needed me. Her parents are in town, and I didn’t want to turn her down. You know how it goes, I might need her to return the favor one day.” He couldn’t have been trying too hard to get me. My phone didn’t even die until I was on my way home, and he was dead asleep when I called him just now.

  He clears his throat. “Listen, I may be up here for a few days longer than I thought. I just got word that one of our contracts got extended, so we may need to stay for the extra manpower, but I don’t know much yet. I’ll keep you posted.”

  God, how did we come to this? We sound like a business transaction, not a happily married couple who can’t get enough of each other—like the old us. “Are we okay?” Asking this makes me cringe. I should know by now not to, that it just pisses him off, but I need to know where his head’s at.

  He sighs. “Yeah? Why do we always have to do this? I told you I have to do what I have to do. If that means me being gone longer, then so be it. It’s my job.” He’s annoyed, and I should have just left it alone. Damn me and my girly feelings.

  “I’m just trying to communicate with you, and you always get mad—”

  He huffs into my ear and doesn’t even try to feign not being annoyed. “Fuck it, Leylah. I’m going to let you go. I have an early morning, and I’m not in the mood for this. I was asleep. That’s all.” He yawns.

  At this point, I just want to end this conversation so I can go cry into my pillow.

  “I love you, Ryan.”

  “I love you too. Goodnight.” The line goes dead, and I’m left alone stewing in my thoughts.

  “Ryan, say something! How can you just lay there and go to sleep while we’re fighting like this?” Nothing. Silence. We’ve been giving each other the silent treatment all day. Now that it’s bedtime, I can’t stand it any longer. I’m trying to resolve the issue, and he won’t even look at me. I’m crying, begging for him to talk to me, and he just lies there with his back to me, ignoring me. “Why is it so easy for you? You won’t ever talk to me!”

  I can’t sleep. Memories of Ryan float around in my dreams, making for a restless night. I always have bad dreams about him when we’re not getting along, and they feel so real, like our past is happening all over again. I look over at the bright blue numbers on the clock and see it’s 2:03 a.m. I reach around blindly for my phone. Cloud hops off the bed, annoyed I’m disturbing her beauty sleep. When my eyes adjust to the light, I see that damn app notification. I shove my glasses on my nose and open it. Roman responded to my message, and I’m slightly scared to click on it, but I hold my breath and do it anyway.

  Me: Thanks :)

  Roman: You’re welcome. Your profile is a little sketchy. No info about that gorgeous woman I can’t stop looking at. Care to fill me in?

  Damn you, Erin. This is all your fault. I know I should delete his messages and the app all together and erase all evidence of this whole stupid idea. Lord knows Ryan would fall over dead if he ever found out. But I don’t. I’m pissed off and hurt. I’ve forgotten how good it feels to be noticed by a man. I don’t care how shallow that makes me sound.

  Me: Fill you in? Didn’t your mom ever teach you not to talk to strangers?

  I throw my hand over my face to hide from the embarrassment because I suck. I’ve been out of the loop in this world for a long time. I don’t have to worry about turning him on after he talks to me, that’s for sure. I’m a little surprised, though, when he responds before I can even close out the app.

  Roman: Lol. Fair enough. I’m 33… Live in Newport Beach… Blackhart Custom Motorcycles is where I spend my days slaving away making custom bikes. I ride my Harley in my free time, and I fucking hate my brother for making this profile for me. I’m an open book, ya know? That about sums me up. No longer strangers. Your turn ;)

  After looking at his pictures again, I suddenly have this pang in my chest. A pang of jealousy for all the women who live in Newport Beach. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to that. Pretty sure he wouldn’t be thrilled to hear about me living in Texas with my husband. No, I don’t think that’s how you hook and sink them nowadays. What am I doing anyway? This guy lives states away. I’ll just tell him what he wants to hear, and soon enough, he’ll forget all about me. I feed him the same info he gave me just to play it safe.

  Me: Okay, I’ll bite. I’m 28, I live in Texas, I have a cat… Cloud… who is pretty much like my child, and I’m an ER nurse.

  Roman: Damn TX… You’re so far away :(

  I’m not sure how to respond to that. I’m just sitting here staring at his message like it’s judging me for what I’m doing.

  Because it is. Because this is wrong.

  I sign out of the app and roll over to get some sleep. Ryan will be home soon.

  Ten years ago…

  “This is epic! We’re so close!” Erin screams over the crowd. We
’re holding hands and jumping up and down to the beat of the music. Five Finger Death Punch is singing about living like a star, and all the girls in the general vicinity are getting ready to take their panties off for the lead vocalist. Sweat is pouring off me, and I can see it on Erin too, glistening on her forehead. It’s hot with the lights and the bodies bumping shoulder to shoulder. The vibe is eclectic, from the hardcore rockers who actually care about the band, to the teenage groupies just here to get stoned. The air around me is electrifying.

  “I’m going to get a drink! You want one?” I yell, when the song ends and another one starts.

  “No, I’m okay. I’ll wait here!”

  I take a step back and figure out my best route out of here. I’ve never been this close to the band before, and never anywhere this crowded. Turning sideways, I navigate my way through the sea of bodies to get to the concession stands. There’s a line, but it’s cooler up here and I can still hear the band, so I don’t mind waiting. I pull my phone out of my bra and take a picture of myself with the band playing in the background.

  “Hey, Leylah, right?” He holds a hand out and points a finger at me as he walks over. I almost drop my phone on the ground at the voice that’s questioning me. It’s the guy from the caverns. He’s wearing a black T-shirt and jeans and looking even better than he did the first time. Why do we keep crossing paths when I’m sweaty and off guard while he gets to look gorgeous?

  “You remembered,” I say, with a big cheesy grin on my face.

  “Hard to forget a pretty face.”

  “Cute, real cute.” I laugh. He looks over to his friend who’s standing there awkwardly waiting to be introduced.

  “Oh yeah, this is my buddy Colt. Are you here alone?” He looks around, seeming satisfied when he doesn’t see anyone else with me.

  “No, my friend Erin is here. I just came to get a drink. It’s hot down there,” I say, hooking a thumb over my shoulder toward the crowd. It’s my turn to order, and he steps up with me. When I pull my card out of my phone case, he stops me with that big smile on his face.

  “I got it.”

  “Thanks.” He pays and we turn back to the crowd to find Erin.

  We meet up with Erin and move further back, out of the lights. We find a section slightly less populated that’s separated from the rest of the area behind a railing. Ryan leans over the rail, resting his arms on it. He keeps looking at me, instead of the band, when he thinks I’m not paying attention.

  I glance at him, bite my lip, and smile. He pushes off the railing and stands directly behind me, closing me in between him and the railing, an arm on each side of me. I’m wearing a black leather skirt and chunky boots that hit a few inches above the knee. With Ryan behind me, I begin to question my choice of clothes.

  With him standing so close, no one can see the hand he runs down my back and over my ass, to the bare skin between my skirt and the top of my boots. His fingers dance on my skin, hovering dangerously close to somewhere forbidden.

  I can’t hear the band any longer. The crowd disappears. It’s just me, Ryan, and my heartbeat pounding out of my chest.

  I don’t know how long we stand there like that, but the band eventually plays their last song, and people start pouring out of the stadium. Ryan and his friend part ways when we get to the parking lot, and Ryan walks me and Erin to my car. Erin gets in and gives us privacy.

  I lean against the car while we say our goodbyes. He’s serious now, closing in on me again. “Can I see you again?” he asks, looking down at me, inches away from my face.

  “I’d like that.”

  He nods. “Me too.”

  Leylah

  Present day…

  “I missed you,” I say, while I watch Ryan shower through the steamy glass door. He just got in town today. It’s late, and he’s tired. We went out with Erin and a friend of Ryan’s for dinner.

  “I missed you too. Got a lot done though. Could bring on some big new contracts after this job if all goes well.” He steps out of the shower and dries off. “Think I’m going to play a little Xbox before bed.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  “You going to bed?” he asks. I had hoped we could spend some time together before he heads back out, but I feel like he can’t wait to get away from me.

  “Yeah, have fun,” I say with sarcasm, but he doesn’t say anything if he notices.

  I can’t find a book I want to read, and honestly, I’m too frustrated to read anyway. I can hear Ryan all the way downstairs, the vibration of the surround sound echoing through the house.

  Sighing, I give up. I just need to go to sleep, and tomorrow will be a better day. I walk out of our room and lean over the banister. “I’m going to sleep. You should come up soon.”

  He looks up and nods. “Sure, a few more rounds, and I’ll be up.” I roll my eyes. I want to cuddle with my husband, now. Prepared to go to bed for real this time, I turn my fan on, the lights off, and plug my phone in.

  Erin’s app pops up at the top of my notifications. Roman sent me a message after we last spoke, but I never replied. Until now.

  Roman: Why are you up so late, darlin’? It’s late here, and I’m a good 2 hrs behind you.

  Me: Can’t sleep.

  Roman: Humor me… what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?

  Me: Trust me. You don’t want to know.

  Roman: What are you, like 5? I do wanna know… I wanna know everything about you.

  The dots appear that he’s typing, but then they stop. I decide to wait and see if he finishes his thought before I say anything else.

  A good ten minutes go by before he says anything. Just when I’m about to close out our message and turn over to go to sleep, he replies.

  Roman: Send me a pic. I’ve only seen one of you.

  Me: It’s dark. I’m in bed.

  Roman: Even better

  Me: Ha-ha

  Roman: It’s only fair. You’ve seen a lot of me. How do I know you’re even real?

  Me: Omg! Fine.

  I flip through my phone and find a recent selfie. He’ll never know the difference if I took it just now or not. Ryan sneezes, and I jump out of my skin. I’d been so distracted, I hadn’t even realized it got quiet downstairs. He must have turned the TV off. I hurry up and hit Send and sign out of the message.

  I lay my phone face down on the nightstand and get up to go pee one last time. When I come back out, Ryan is lying down waiting for me. “I thought you were going to sleep?”

  I swallow. “I am. Had to pee.” I snuggle in next to him and turn my back to his front. “I couldn’t sleep waiting for you,” I murmur.

  He wraps his arm tighter around me and kisses my head. “’Night, Ley.”

  “Goodnight,” I say, staring at my phone on the nightstand. Roman’s dark, pained eyes are the last thing I see as I drift off to sleep.

  The next morning, I roll over to find Ryan gone. I reach over blindly for my phone to check the time. It’s 11:39 a.m. Shit, how did I sleep so late? Ryan is nowhere to be found downstairs either. Peeping out the blinds tells me he’s not here; his truck is gone.

  Me: Where are you?

  I forgot that I abandoned Roman midconversation after I sent my picture last night. I click on it and pull up my unread messages.

  Roman: Fucking beautiful, babe

  Roman: Where’d you go?

  I know I shouldn’t, but I feel bad that every time we’ve had a conversation I always bail out on him. My phone buzzes, but not from Roman. It’s a text.

  Ryan: Work. Conference call at the office. Be here for a bit.

  Perfect. He just came home. We got to have dinner together, but we weren’t even alone; we were with our friends.

  Me: As much as I’m trying not to be a shitty wife and support you, I just have to say I really miss you.

  Ryan: Don’t do this.

  Me: Do what? Give a shit?

  Ryan: Real mature, Ley.

  Me: That’s me. Just an immature little girl w
ith nothing to do while her husband is out saving the world one business contract at a time.

  I don’t know why I’m acting like this. It’s how things have been the past few years. He’s a workaholic, I know this, but he used to put effort into me too.

  Ryan: I’ll be home tonight. We can do this then.

  Me: LOL.

  Now, I’m just being ridiculous, but I don’t care.

  I switch from texting to messaging.

  Me: Hey… sorry. My phone died, and I went to bed.

  Roman: It’s all good. You know this would be a lot easier on the phone.

  Fuck. This is exactly what I’ve been avoiding.

  Roman: Can I call you?

  He’s getting way too serious, way too fast. Although, he hasn’t sent me nudes or asked for them yet like everyone else—gold star for Roman. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, if it’s the fact that I’m so done being pushed to the back burner by Ryan or the fact that a man is showing me attention for the first time in ages, but I’m considering his offer. I send a quick message back with my number, nothing else, just straight to the point.

  It’s not even a full minute before there’s an unknown number buzzing on my caller ID. I clear my throat and hit the Accept button.

  “That was fast,” I say. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I feel like I’m back in high school, getting giddy on the phone over my crush—the kind of crush that puts notes in your locker and holds your hand at the Friday night skating rink. Except I’m not in high school anymore… and I’m married.

  “Didn’t want you to change your mind, gorgeous.” Oh my God. His voice. It could send an angel straight down to hell. My hand is shaking, and my heart is racing a hundred miles an hour.